Squirt
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Squirt
Flat Rock Together recently had the opportunity to sit down for an interview with one of Flat Rock’s best-known residents, Squirt the Cat. Squirt has been a fixture along Rainbow Row in Flat Rock for several years and has accumulated legions of fans from near and far. Along the way, he’s learned a few things about people, life, and good barbecue. Here is the transcript from our interview.
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FR Together: Good afternoon, Squirt. Let me start by thanking you for taking the time to speak with us. You are certainly Flat Rock’s most famous feline, and we are excited to learn a little more about your life.
Squirt: Sure. Whatever. My pleasure to grace you with my majesty.
FRT: My first question is …
Squirt: Could you move to your left a little? You’re blocking my sun. Gotta get that vitamin D, you know.
FRT: So Squirt…
Squirt: Augustus…
FRT: Excuse me?
Squirt: The name is Augustus. But you can just call me Sir or Your Extreme Excellency.
FRT: Why do people call you Squirt? Sir.
Photo by SAndy Hunter Jones
Squirt: Because I’m a big softie. Years ago, the daughter of the woman who owns that Egg place on the corner started calling me Squirt. Cute kid so I just let it go. Besides, in this day and age, it’s better not to share too much of your personal information anyway. Lots of scammers out there. Mostly dogs as it turns out…
FRT: So, let’s start with some basics. How old are you and how did you get to Flat Rock?
Squirt: In cat years, I’m 48 give or take a few years.
FRT: And how did you get here?
Squirt: Did you and your mom not have “the talk?”
FRT: I mean why do you live here in Flat Rock?
Squirt: My family helped found Flat Rock. My 48th great-grandfather was Smudge Whiskers King. He came to Flat Rock from Charleston in 1830s. Rode up on a wagon. Ate field mice for 2 weeks. Said they tasted gamey but were plentiful.
FRT: 48th great-grandfather. Impressive lineage.
Squirt: Yeah, he was also my 45th great-uncle and a 12th cousin.
FRT: How is that possible?
Squirt: Things happen. Just cattin’ around I suppose.
FRT: We see you hanging around Hubba Hubba’s patio frequently. Is that where you live?
Squirt: I have several homes in the area. I like to share my magnificence. Makes people happy.
FRT: You have multiple owners?
Squirt: I do not have owners. I have caretakers of my properties.
FRT: Sorry …
Squirt checks in at Dogwood
Squirt: There’s the old couple that maintains my house down the street. I have my man Starr who makes sure Hubba Hubba is looked after. He’s pretty good with a broom and keeps the dogs under control.
The ladies at Dogwood watch over my breakfast treats. There’s a bunch of kids who watch over my bakery. The nice lady at the Egg runs my store. And I have a couple of other places … but I don’t like to brag.
FRT: You are a busy cat. Some locals even refer to you as the unofficial Mayor of Flat Rock. How does that make you feel?
Squirt: Unofficial? Come on man… are you serious?
FRT: Well, to be fair, Mayor Weedman was elected and has an office in Village Hall.
Squirt: Uh huh. And do you see hundreds of people hanging around Village Hall every day all spring, summer, and fall to see Nick? I don’t think so. The people have spoken. They know who really runs this village.
FRT: Hubba Hubba will open in a couple of weeks. How are you feeling about all those people coming back to your place after a quiet winter?
Squirt: When you’re famous, it comes with the territory. People show up from all over the country to see me.
FRT: Does that feel like a burden to you?
Squirt: Nah. I understand it’s a thrill for all the little people who are hoping to see me. Plus, as long as they are here to see me, they can buy some barbecue or do a little shopping. I’m helping the local economy. Think of me as the Taylor Swift of Flat Rock.
FRT: Taylor Swift?
Squirt. Sure. She has Swifties. I have Squirties. We’re both good for business.
FRT: We see a lot of dogs on the patio. How do you feel about that?
Squirt: Annoyed, mostly. I don’t understand them. Letting people drag them around on a leash. Doing whatever they are told. Sit. Shake. Beg. It’s embarrassing really. Personally, I think dogs have self-esteem issues.
FRT: And the Hubba Hubba free-range chickens. What do you think of them?
Squirt: Not much. Their collective IQ wouldn’t light up a 40-watt bulb. I’m mostly surprised they can find their way back to the coop at the end of the day.
FRT: Do people feed you when they are dining at Hubba Hubba?
Squirt: You have to ask? I mean, look at this face. If I give them the “look”, it’s buffet time for the kitty.
FRT: You have a lot of confidence. Do you see yourself as handsome?
Squirt: Not handsome. Dangerously handsome.
FRT: OK, then. How would other cats describe you?
Squirt: Super-intelligent. King of the Realm. An Uber cat. You know, just an ordinary guy.
FRT: Uh huh…
Squirt: And humble. Did I mention humble?
FRT: Do you like people?
Squirt: Well, humans do seem to appreciate my brilliance. So, there’s that in their favor. But they can be loud. And walking around on two feet with their front paws waving all around is weird. They tend to fall over a lot – especially the little ones. No tails, which is kinda gross. Very few of them have whiskers. Mostly the big guys and some of the old ladies.
FRT: What’s a typical day for you?
Squirt checking up on his Cherry Cottage on Little Rainbow Row.
Squirt: Sleep in after a late night. Get up and make the rounds of my properties. Let the caretakers give me treats. That always makes their day. Take nap. Bat a few mice around in the field out back. Lie in the sun. Take some selfies with the tourists. Take another nap. Eat some dinner. Check out the nightlife. It’s busy. I stay active.
FRT: You are pleased with the way your life has turned out.
Squirt: Absolutely. Freedom. Friends. Fun in the sun. What’s not to love? The Big Cat in the Sky has been good to me.
FRT: Any parting words for our readers?
Squirt: Yeah.. Eat more barbecue and don’t offer me banana pudding or coleslaw. That stuff is nasty.
FRT: Thanks for your time.
Squirt: Of course. I’m sure it was a thrill for you.
